Self-doubt

Well, recently I'm back to the usual "self-questioning" again. Another semester has passed, and what have I achieved ?

All I can say is : Nothing much, yet there's not none, and I shouldn't be too proud of it.

My parents were always the first to give a negative feedback (which is actually a good thing, but it still depends on how I want to improve myself). First of all, they dislike the MMU-ian style of life - staying up late for the night. Hell, actually I knew that's bad for my health (and I believe that most of us MMU-ians knew that), but considering the community stays up for the night, I always risked the 'lecture' of my parents.

Being concerned by our own parents is still a good thing - but being worried isn't. But well, the dumbest rheotical question I'd ask is 'What can I do about ?! There's nothing I can do !'. Well, I've tried to get myself into the habit of sleeping early, but I find it nearly impossible - that's simply because at late night, I will not be disturbed as much as during the day.

The second to provide negative feedbacks are none other than myself. Basically, I measured myself by my achievements and sometimes, self-esteem. Well, I've always been a Jack-of-all-trades, and I longed to profess in some kind of skill so that I'd have a chance to achieve something. But so far, I'm always holding myself back - excuses, excuses, and more excuses.

I'm a lousy programmer, yet I'm taking an IT course (my parents were aware of my inability too). I knew of a senior who's poor in programming but she managed to graduate - because she's good at doing certain things better than others, and she also took the effort to pass the programming subjects. It's always hard work that counts - and my sly mind always want to find the shortcut, but in vain.

Other than my parents and me, my friends are also reflections of what I am. The power of influence is always there, thanks to peer pressure and the 'human herd' phenomena (or any crap term that they psychologists come out with). From my friends I can sometimes look into myself, but that's just sometimes. Maybe I'm too busy keeping up with the world, I didn't pay attention or something. But nevertheless, the pals that I hang out with are basically the best in 20 years of my life - Cless (nice guy, and still available), Slade (quit smoking will do ya good), no-wing (still rocking our seats with his l33t DDR/O2Jam skills), K3YZ (the most honest drunkard I've ever seen), the Trios (Nkhosm, Augustine and ZyHao - seldom see them not together), Coffee Ping (very experienced in adult material) and many many many more (sorry for those not mentioned... especially from the Net). I've grown to what I am today, is because of you guys. Thanks. :)

Now I'm facing another dilemma - next sem ain't as easy as the last one. Thanks to my failed subjects, I've to retake them - but well, at least I've gone through those tedious moments for once, making it not that difficult for me. But I'd be exhausted to death for the upcoming 14 weeks. Well, the best three (3) words to address myself :-

SERVES ME RIGHT.

Until now I haven't register what I want to take for the upcoming sem (surprise to you all folks who have read until here). Probably I'd do it soon, but definitely not now, as I need to hit the sack.

So, adios amigos.