Messed-Up

Once again, I fell into that messed-up state which I've always been fighting to get out from. Inefficient. Unfocused. Demotivated. And even worse, all of them contributed to guilt.

Efficiency's dangerously low recently, and I've been trying all sorts of ways to drive me to work harder, but with no avail. I've been trying hard NOT to give any excuses to myself, but in the end I can't even explain certain things or events to myself. Who or what I have to blame on? None other than myself being so incompetent.

I remembered the session I had with my own academic advisor last semester (FYI every MMU student has to attend to it - or rather, threatened in order to do it), and well I've explained the problems I was facing in the course, and things that I failed to catch up with - like for example, I'm not quite the type of guy who has the talent to program anything decent, and how my many attempts to understand the fundamentals of programming didn't work out as I expected.

After hearing out what I have to say, she gave me a piece of advice :-

"Don't try to force yourself into doing it - instead, treat it like it's your own choice, your own decision that you've made."

I thought back of those words. Sometimes I don't even know whether I didn't push myself enough, or I've forced myself to excel too much that I've to give up in the end.

I'm taking 4 subjects this semester, and I'm facing problems with 2 of them, and adding to the sad part, I'm actually retaking those 2 this semester because I wasn't doing well the last time I took them. To make things worse, to me those 2 subjects are affecting my other 2 subjects which I loved - and they are games-design-related. Seems like I have to make a very difficult choice between making games and academics.

Blah. Totally messed up. But seems like I'm not the only one who messed up big time...

Friend of mine forwarded this while I was blogging this post. Felt like yelling in the ears of those UN e-Diots (Electronic Age Idiots):-

"WHO ARE YOU TO INTERFERE WITH OUR HISTORICAL CULTURE THAT'S ALREADY BEEN THERE FOR CENTURIES, YOU HORRIBLE SUNOFTHEBEACHES ?! 'JIAK PAU BOH SI DIAM GOYANG KAKI KOMPLEN KAKI BUSUK' NOTHING MUCH TO DO ISIT ?!" F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F F F F F BIG GIANT F YOU !!! IF IT WASN'T FOR TRADITIONAL CHINESE, OUR CHINESE CULTURE HAS ALREADY DIED OUT LONG AGO, YOU UNGRATEFUL BUNCH OF HIGH-PAY-LOW-INTELLIGENCE E-DIOTS !!!"

Damn. At least I feel better now. My destructive inspiration always kick in whenever I have something to shoot on. Need to start working on my next assignment now. Will blog to shoot next time.