Pressure Is Everywhere

I'm sitting here in front of the PC, ten minutes to five in the morning, staring at my monitor, and I didn't turn on the lights since I returned from my paper.

I stared up at the fan above me. My mind is blank. All I know is - I gotta blog something else now. And I don't know what exactly I should write, actually.

My life? Not that bad, yet not that good. The environment around me? Not that good, and yet not that bad. Yet I'm feeling the pressure. Yes, the pressure that's coming from the world around me.

I'm grateful that I'm born in such a wonderful family. One of which is able passed down the Virtues of Life to it's descendants. I'm grateful that Dad was such a determined man, and Mum always cared for the family. Sis Absolut, though she went through a harder way than I did, is doing better and better every year.

Look back at me. I could've used a mirror now if I could - but now I can't, since I broke mine a couple of days ago. I knew Mum was always proud of me - I knew it the way she talks it to her friends. Yet everytime, I feel saddened; I felt very stressed out for every word, every sentence.

What the hell am I doing?

I'm determined to be something I wanted, yet I failed to achieve the right skills I wanted. I wanted to be a Game Designer. I wanted to be a writer. And I wanted to be a composer. Yet I'm still stuck here, staring at the monitor, pressured.

At times, I thought about the balcony next to my room. I always joked to my friends that, if anything happens that's the most convenient way out. And I thought back about the people who really took that convenient way out. Was it really that convenient? No. It just makes things harder to go around, causing more pressure to everyone around.

I remembered having an interesting conversation with my friend's housemate. He said that, it's not motivation that matters, but something else - it's self-entrepreneurship that counts. Well, I thought back about his words. Maybe they were right to some people. Maybe they don't work to some. To me? Heh I'm not too sure myself either. Sometimes I think, maybe I've been thinking too much until I couldn't work properly, creating a block that stops me from growing. That's why sometimes I wished I was a kid again, when I can make more mistakes just to learn more. I want to throw away the ego as an adult - but could I?

And once again, like it or not, I'm stuck on the crossroads once again. This time, between dreams and reality. I can choose both, and I've tried various ways to work it out, but well, not much of a result. Pressure got in the way - and pressure caught me on it.

Well, blogging has been part of my way of expressing myself - at least I still haven't abandon the keyboard to write my thoughts out though. I don't know where this can lead, but perhaps it may lead me somewhere. Maybe a Game Designer. Maybe a writer. Maybe a politician (which I better hope not). Maybe it could lead to the flying ship I always dreamed of, drifting among the clouds and travelling around the world. And well, after reading the Waiter's post, I'd christen that ship as "Kobayashi Maru". It may sound unlucky to some, but hey, I liked it.

Sigh. Now I looked back at my post. Boy I made something out of nothing again - something which I find hard to do most of the time. Gee I really feel better now. And to all the people who read this, I really thank you for your time to read this.