Thoughts Flying Through The Twilight

Another new year has passed. A Chinese New Year. Pochi's gone, now Porky's in the way.

I'm in front of my PC back in my hometown, listening to one of the NHK Ni Youkoso's OSTs. Slow jazz. Saxophone. And a quiet twilight alone. One of the perfect atmospheres to start writing a little in this dusty corner.

Just finished the whole series of NHK today. Could've watched it earlier when no-wing introduced it to me, but my HDD space was quite limited at the time, and I find it a little outrageous to my tastes. Plus not forgetting to mention, the 1st episode nearly gave me a headache (for real) due to the disorientating background music.

But since I've got some time out recently due to certain factors and Gendou's was offering DDLs, I decided to watch it to kill some time - and maybe a little of myself. That's what I thought.

But I managed to finished it up. Not bad at all, and at least GONZO didn't quite screw up the end this time (well they have the knack to do it all the time). Or did they? There's still a slight part where I don't quite understand throughly, but that's actually not quite important. Probably.

While watching, I came to realize that a lot of the stuff in the series is similiar to what I'm facing in my life now. A hell lot similiar than I ever thought of. But to the very least (and gratefully), I'm not a 'hikikomori'.

I guess the problem with me is that I really hated how my life is dangling in reality. Hated it so much that I cannot find a place to suit myself in. But at least for now, I've grown and is no longer that 'me' a couple of years ago anymore, where I could not decide where I want to go or what I want to be. I have to admit that I've been lucky all this while.

I thought over the words that I've listened for the past few weeks. Thinking over and over again on how things are not turning fine on my side, and how bleak the path in front of me is. I had been struggling to make the decision, on the next move that I'm supposed to make. To continue on my current course or not.

I really disliked how the things are going in my course, how the subjects are taught and stuff. To me, they are not quite bringing to what I want to be. I can say that I'm totally blaming it to the quality of education that I'm receiving.

That is why I'm learning on my own nowadays. Though slower, but I'm getting a hang of it. Ruby. GIMP. GoogleSketch. Things where I can learn my very basic set of skills. Where I can understand the fundamentals better.

It may be a little too late for me to be regretting my choice or stuff like that now, but I don't really care about it. Half of my life still lay in front of me. If I have to go through the lousy way, I will have to at least make it to the end.

I looked back at the characters in NHK Ni Youkoso. They may be at the society's lowest tiers, but at least they worked hard for their own future and fought for it. They don't want to be losers.

Neither do I.

......

......

......

Guess what.

I'm feeling lonely.

Not just tonight. From the past few months, to right now, and running into the future.

At times I have my family and friends to share out some of the moments, but the rest of the time it's up to myself. I've been like that for so long, yet I can't tell whether I'm used to it or not.

I laughed when my sis suggested that I might get better if I get myself a partner. But in truth, I don't know whether it works or not. Maybe it might. Or maybe it will just backfire and add in another load of bull into my life. Maybe being single is still fine for me now.

Drinking. I thought about it at times. Nah. I'm not into intoxification. I'm already wasted enough. Probably something else will do. Maybe music. Like, jazz. Like this song that I've repeated. Something that helps in expressing myself comfortably.

Yeah. Yeap. Just like this.

Oh well, I've already written what I want to write. Probably will come back when things gets worse. Or perhaps, better.

CURSED

Couldn't bring myself to blog nowadays. Things are not going well as it seems - too many things to worry, too many things to think, and too many things to fix.

Felt like I'm hanging upside-down. Felt like whatever I'm doing doesn't make any sense at all. Felt like being sucked into a downward spiral-shaped vortex.

Been trying to free myself from those stupid thoughts. They are easy ways out, but I'm taking the hard way, not only because of my ego, but also to satisfy what others think about me. And I'm sick of these moments.

Gah. And yet I have to pretend all this crap does not affect me at all. And the more I pretend, the worse the whole situation gets. Sometimes I wished I could just crumble down and break into pieces, but I can't even do that. And that makes me even more sick of myself.

I'm going to yell this loud and clear in this dusty corner of mine :-

I DON'T WANNA FCKING LIVE IN A SOCIETY COMPOSED OF EVERY HUMAN'S DISILLUSIONS. BUT EVEN I WANNA BREAK FREE, I'M STILL BOUNDED BY THOSE FCKING DISILLUSIONS ON MY ANKLES. I NEED TO BREAK THOSE FCKING CHAINS, BECAUSE THEY BRING ME NOWHERE BUT TO DOWN TO THE DEPTHS OF THE STUPIDITY OF MANKIND.

Heck. Sometimes I need that expressing - makes a better person out of me.

I'm cursed - cursed of knowing too much. Cursed to realize the fact that the cages are there. And cursed that most of the people around me are content of living in those cages. Sometimes I wished I was dumber and more stupid, because I will not think too much and work myself out like a donkey in a mill.

I always hoped that I will find my way out of this crap. No. Better still, I will pave it out. I wanna show those people out there that, I'm not going to meet up with their expectations of me being one of the best in this society - and no way I'm going to take that title, because I'm more than that. Very much more.